[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
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181.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is