A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
You Might Also Like
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.