I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.