Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
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I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My flabber has been gasted.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room