Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Just a bush.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.