hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
You learn something every day
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick