Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Those are good neighbors.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe