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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.