Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
i meant to share this earlier
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I am never leaving this website
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
tell em, edith-anne
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?