THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
mathematically impossible