Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.