Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
that de-escalated quickly
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: