Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.