Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Always a metermaid never a meter
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.