Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
this chia pet tastes awful
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*