Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!