sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master