Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….