ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Lmfao
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Why is this me 😫
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
absolute chaos
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
#Caturday
tis the season