[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Miscakes
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”