How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
same bro
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Good morning.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.