Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
S M O L
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions