Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink