i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
This classic never gets old . . .
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs