People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high