You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
yeet
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.