Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
You Might Also Like
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Passwords are more important than ever.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
#oldknees
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Plant care tips
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes