[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Has there ever been a more American story?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Otters drive ottermobiles.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?