Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
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Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀