Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
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3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Shortcut
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Buying a well is money well spent.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that