My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.