I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
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the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.