i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.