The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
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People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
me hooking up with my ex
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.