If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I’m going to need a moment here.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Breaking news:
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.