Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
there has never been a better use of this meme
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]