Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I hope they boil the right one.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown