My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.