The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
You Might Also Like
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
lol
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.