Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.