“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Pretty much. 🤣
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!