Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong