Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
You Might Also Like
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch