I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
You Might Also Like
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”