To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll