Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“We will wed,” I threatened
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it