Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
why would tinder want me to say this
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
brian had himself a morning…
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks