Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
This guy gets it.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Duolingo getting serious.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.