you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?