My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.